A Note from the Author
It is August. It is insufferably hot. Rational people are at the beach, horizontal, thinking about nothing. I, however, experienced a Schub — a German word for which there is no satisfying English translation, referring to a sudden surge of creative energy that arrives uninvited, usually at the worst possible time, and absolutely cannot be ignored. In August. In the heat. When I had other things to do.
“Girls Just Want to Have Funds: Advanced Relationship Economics” is a glossary of terms for the modern woman (out of a lack of wanting to use the other word you are all thinking of that begins with a “g” and ends in “digger”), drawn from the worlds of finance, economics, behavioral psychology, contract law, and real estate, recontextualized for an application their original authors did not anticipate, but would probably respect.
Proceed with an open mind and, ideally, an open portfolio.
INVESTMENT STRATEGY (Economics)
In conventional finance, an investment strategy is the discipline of deploying capital into assets that retain or grow in value, as opposed to simply spending money, which anyone can do and most people do badly. The distinction matters enormously in “advanced relationship economics”, where the amateur accepts whatever she is given and the professional curates what she receives.
Gifts fall into two categories: consumables and assets. Dinners, holidays, and flowers are consumables. They are enjoyed, forgotten, and worth precisely nothing on the secondary market. Watches, cash, and real estate are assets. They appreciate, they liquidate, and they do not require you to be present to retain their value.
A note on watches specifically, since this is where the research pays off: what a man wears on his wrist tells you everything you need to know before he has opened his mouth. A rose gold Patek Philippe Nautilus means he has both the means and the taste. He is, in the technical sense, the one. If he gifts you a quartz Audemars Piguet, it means, he either cannot afford the real thing or worse, he does not know the difference.
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Haushaltsgeld (German, lit. "household money")
In its original, pedestrian sense, the monthly sum a husband allocates to his wife to cover the costs of their shared household: boring shit like groceries and utilities. In “advanced relationship economics”, it refers to something infinitely more elegant: the monthly payment a wealthy man makes directly into your account in exchange for your continued presence in his life. Critically, there is no shared household. There is no utility bill. There is only the wire transfer. The Haushaltsgeld is the Everest of the profesion: the summit every “advanced relationship economics” expert aspires to reach. Once secured, it means you have successfully converted a man from a source of occasional gifts into a recurring revenue stream.
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Exit Strategy (Business /Finance)
In conventional use, an exit strategy is the predetermined plan by which an investor withdraws from a position. Ideally at maximum value, ideally on their own terms, and ideally before anyone else in the room realizes what is happening. The key word is predetermined.
In “advanced relationship economics”, the exit is triggered by one of two conditions. The first is voluntary: the target has been, to use the technical term, bled dry. He has nothing left to invest, or he has developed the belated self-awareness to stop investing it in you. Either way, the position has reached its ceiling. The second condition is involuntary, and requires significantly faster execution: the Finanzamt has taken an interest in his affairs, the Kriminalpolizei have been asking questions, Interpol have opened a file, or — and this is the condition that supersedes all others and waives all notice periods — the Albanians are coming.
In any of these scenarios, the methodology is identical. You leave. Swiftly and cleanly. A well-executed exit includes: one pre-negotiated parting gift, framed not as settlement but as emotional closure and a narrative that positions you unambiguously as the wounded party.
Begin planning your exit in advance. Accelerate the timeline if anyone mentions Albanians.
Loss Leader (Retail / Marketing)
A product sold at a loss to attract customers who will then spend on more profitable items. In “advanced relationship economics”: the initial phase of a new relationship, during which you must invest your own time, money, attention, and charm before the returns materialize. This phase should be kept brutally short but is of utmost necessity. Shower him with expensive gifts to show him, you’re not just in it for the money. The moment he is hooked, the loss leader is discontinued and normal pricing resumes.
Anchoring (Behavioral Economics)
The cognitive bias whereby people rely disproportionately on the first piece of information they receive when making subsequent decisions. In “advanced relationship economics” it means to establish an expensive precedent early. A 10k wire transfer to “fix your car because it broke down” means that all future gifts and transfers will be unconsciously measured against this sum. This is the anchor. Everything cheaper will feel like a disappointment to both of you. Set it high. Set it early.
The Prospectus (Finance / IPO)
Before a company can attract serious institutional investors, it must file a prospectus: a formal document detailing its history, assets, track record, and future potential. Investors do not gamble blind. In “advanced relationship economics”, you are the prospectus. A man of serious means will, consciously or not, assess everything: the schools, the languages, the career, the social fluency, the way you hold yourself in a room. Lauren Sánchez arrived as a journalist, television presenter, and entrepreneur. Dasha Zhukova founded the Garage Museum of Contemporary Art in Moscow and married two separate billionaires. Not by accident, and not on looks alone. The prospectus must be impeccable before the roadshow begins. If your prospectus is thin, no amount of charm will close the round.
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Diversification(Portfolio Management)
The cardinal principle of investment: never concentrate all your assets in a single position. The prudent “advanced relationship economics” expert, therefore maintains a balanced portfolio of two to three active prospects at all times, across different asset classes (old money, new money, real estate) and geographic regions, to ensure that no single loss is catastrophic. This is not infidelity. This is risk management.
The Junk Bond (Finance)
In the bond market, a junk bond, formally known as a high-yield bond, is issued by an entity with a poor credit rating. The returns are exceptional. The risk of catastrophic default is equally exceptional. In “advanced relationship economics” this is how we refer to the heir of a significant fortune who also happens to be a functioning drug addict. He is generous to the point of recklessness, socially irresistible, and briefly magnetic. He is also, in quieter moments, a man with a psychopathic streak and a speed-dial relationship with his family's legal team. The yields are real. The volatility is realer. A junk bond position is a short-term hold: to be entered with clear objectives, managed aggressively, and liquidated at peak performance before the inevitable default. Do not hold to maturity. There is no maturity.
The Government Bond (Finance)
At the opposite end of the risk spectrum sits the government bond: unglamorous, reliable, and deeply, profoundly boring. The coupon rate will never fund a yacht. It will, however, arrive on time, every time, without drama, without lawyers, and without phone calls at 3am that are difficult to explain. In “advanced relationship economics” we use this term to refer to the stable long-term target: a successful professional, perhaps a modest inheritance, perhaps simply a man who owns several properties and experiences no particular emotions. He will not sweep you off your feet. He will also not have you served with a cease-and-desist. The government bond is a long-term hold. The monthly yield is modest. The absence of volatility is, itself, a return. Compounded over years of low-maintenance consistency, the total payout frequently surprises. Every serious portfolio needs one.
Sunk Cost Fallacy (Economics)
A well-documented cognitive error in which an investor, having already committed substantial resources to a failing venture, continues to pour money into it rather than accept the loss. The rationale: "I've come this far; I can't stop now." In traditional finance, this is irrational. In “advanced relationship economics”, it is the entire business model. The professional “advanced relationship economics” expert’s strategy is simple: ensure your target invests enough in gifts, trips, jewellery and emotional energy, that walking away becomes psychologically untenable. You are, in the most technical sense, a sunk cost. And he will keep sinking.
Stockholm Syndrome (Psychology / Hostage Negotiation)
In psychology: when a hostage develops feelings for their captor. In “advanced relationship economics”: when a “advanced relationship economics” expert, accidentally develops genuine feelings for her target. Symptoms include: looking forward to his calls for non-financial reasons and feeling guilty about the portfolio. A career-ending condition. Seek help immediately.